Left Alone
by Smiling-Peanuts
Summary: After 8x23, Dean is overstrained and doesn't know what to do after the angels fell. Sam is close to dying. And Cas is plagued with nightmares in which Lucifer plays an important role.
1. Don't Leave Me

„Just leave me alone," whispered the blue-eyed angel.

Dean let his hand slide down form the man's shoulder.

_what did he do wrong this time ? _

_why does he always has to disappoint people ?_

„But I need you," it wasn't more than a silent movement of his lips. The angel look for a split second over his shoulder, he sighted. „I can't," he looked up at the sky, tilted his head downwards and started walking.

„Cas..," the other man stood helpless there, watching his friend leave.

With a quite noise the angel disappeared. Letting the other man alone, standing in the cold midwinter air.

Dean felt sick.

_- Not Cas, not him! _

He moved slowly towards the wall, just a few steps aside of him. Allowing it to support him. He was not able to go on like this.

His legs started tumbling and he sunk down, with his back against the wall.

Dean was not the person to start crying. Even when his father was missing, he stayed strong, joking his way out of it. That was the way he was raised. Every time he felt any kind of emotions towards other people he told himself to man up. It was so hard for the hunter to develop feelings towards others.

But this was different. He knew the angel for quite a bit now. But did he really 'know' Cas? Did he really understood the angel? Cas was always a mystery to him, he had to admit that. Dean asked himself if he would ever know Cas as good as Sam or Charlie. Hell, he even knew more about Kevin than about Cas.

His breast was moving faster up and down than it usually did. The air around his mouth and nose was forming small clouds of fog. He threw his arms around himself, trying to keep the little body heat he had left. But it was so cold.

He just couldn't get up. It felt like someone was tying up his neck. He tried so hard not to let the tears start streaming down his face. But it was such a big task to ask from him.

After a while he gave in. Crying himself to sleep in a back street.

This was a whole new level of pathetic for the green-eyed hunter.


	2. Somebody Help Me

**_5 weeks earlier_**

Dean held Sam in his arms, the smell of burning wood and blood coming from his brother and he suspected probably from himself as well. He looked around hopelessly, searching for his own angel. Sam's arms were incomprehensibly hot, and the light inside his veins looked angry, moving around restlessly up and down his arm and just slowly dimming out.

_Where was Cas ?_

„Dean, I'm sorry," Sam breathed exhausted towards his brother.

„It's okay, Sammy," was all Dean could bring over his lips.

He wished he would be able to promise Sam that everything was going to be alright. But Dean just couldn't. Never was anything ,going to be okay' for the hunters. He knew.

And Dean lost faith, he couldn't go on like this, lying to himself and his brother, talking about a better future. The future would never be better or brighter or even just ,okay'.

Sam lost his consciousness and sledded towards the ground with his back on the impala and further into Dean's arms. Dean's sense were getting intenser, he felt a panic attack crawling up his back.

He heard the sound Sam made as he sledded down on the Impala, the smell of blood was getting stronger. With fear in his veins he looked towards the church _- What was he supposed to do with Crowley? , _he felt the tears rolling down his cheeks - _Where is Cas? _

Dean felt rarely so helpless, he alway had a plan. He always knew in which direction he was heading, even when it was the wrong one, he knew where he was going.

But now..

Where should he start ?

Sam was unconscious, desperately needing help.

Crowley was still in the Church, half human, Dean supposed.

And Cas was no where in sight. Was he still in heaven with Metraton? Did he fell like all the other angels? Was he hurt? Did the angels survive their falls?

The hunter tried to pull himself together. He had to act, and he had to act soon. Otherwise there was no hope for Sam. He pulled him up beside himself and opened the door of the Impala to lift Sam on the back seats.

Nearly running he went back into the church. Down to his feet he saw Crowley lying on the cold, blood covered ground. He sat Crowley up, so that it was easier for Dean to lift him from the ground. With his arms under the demons he pulled Crowley backwards out of the chains were still on Crowley's arms and ankles and Dean held it for the best idea to store Crowley still wearing them, in the trunk.

For a second he felt sorry for the demon, but he shook that feeling quickly away.

Creating a check list of what to do next, Dean started driving. He had to bring Sam into a hospital first, and then he had to search Cas, and in case he didn't found him he would return to Sam's bed in the hospital. Crowley could stay in the trunk.

He genuinely hoped for help, but he knew he would never get it.

He was, truly, on his own. Without his little brother on his side. Without his guardian angel watching over him. Ja, even without god or some filthy angels who needed him alive and would watch over him just for their own benefit. He was alone.

* * *

In the distance Dean saw the lights of the hospital approaching the car faster with every street light he passed, his hope grew, to bring Sam fast enough to it and allow the doctors to save his brother. With a quick look over his shoulder he made sure that Sammy was still there.

Barely breathing, Sam sat on the back seat, his head leaning towards the left side. His arms were hanging down on each side of his wide shoulders.

He looked like a sleeping child, which had been taken for its first long road trip, and was now exhausted and tired from the excitement of the streets and landlines passing by.

,Like a huge child... my little Sammy', Dean thought as he was already able to smell the typical hospital smell, dentist like, blood, cleaning powder and too dry air, caused by the strong air conditioning.

The perfect picture of his younger brother was only disturbed by the hard lines in his face which he got over the years, their job sure does leave marks and not only on skin and bones. Dirt and blood was all over his face, but Dean couldn't say if it was Sam's or Crowley's blood.

The small handkerchief Dean gave his brother just before the angels fell was still around Sam's hand.

Dean reached towards the necklace around his neck as he drove up the driveway in front of the hospital. He will never forget how his little Sammy gave it to him, years ago and how he bought it actually for his dad. But as usual John was not there, so Sam gave it to Dean.

The older brother still had to swallow hard every time he thought about his father. He felt guilty but disgusted at the same time.

He parked the Impala skillfully and sprinted towards the door to get Sammy. With huge effort he managed to get Sam into the hospital. As soon as he was through the door he screamed for help.

Dean was so in fear about his brother he didn't noticed that the entrance to the hospital was strangely full till Sam was already on a divan bed and on his way to a room. A nurse had to lead Dean to a chair so he could do the paper work for his brothers admission.

He had to gather his thoughts for a second then he quickly grabbed the next fake ID out of his old, brown wallet Bobby once gave to him and filled the paper out as fast as he could.

As he finished writing the last word he allowed himself to look up and observe his surrounding. It was already a habit he had. Always on the watch for further jobs, odd and strange situations.

The other patients looked oddly out of place. All of them seemed to have broken arms or legs. Dean tried to make sense out of it but as soon as he caught himself doing so, he got up and quickly gave the nurse, who lead him to the seat the papers.

She gave him a honest smile and took the papers out of his hands. Her eyes were sending small waves of comforting warmth through his body.

Dean smiled back and without a word the nurse showed him the direction his brother was.

Dean ran down the hallway, looking in every room he was passing.

After a few meters he felt dizzy and accidentally ran into a passing doctor.

A broken „Sorry," was all he could bring over his lips. He stopped and turned to make sure he wasn't seen as someone extremely rude. For once in his life he could use some sympathy from the people around him.

As he glimpsed into the doctor's eyes he felt a warm rush in his cheeks.

Within a second he had to think about one of his favorite Tv shows, ,Doctor Sexy'. He shook his head slightly, if Sam knew..

He took the chance and asked the doctor where he would be able to find his brother.

With a husky, deep voice the brown-haired doctor said casually „Oh Ja, ehm.. in room 2046".

Dean felt a hot rush through his chest. His voice broke as he stuttered, „Th..Thank you." This was not the time to think about good looking doctors.

Out of breath he reached room 2046. Sam was lying in a bed, sleeping. Dean rushed towards the bed. He took Sam's hand and pulled his hair backwards.

In the corner of the room he heard someone clearing his throat. Dean looked up from his brother and stood up. He felt awkwardly touched, that a stranger saw him in his weak moments.

„Will he be alright? Is he going to be okay?"

„He is not in a stable situation, he is doing alright at the moment but .. there is something happening with him, and we can not do anything right now."

Dean nodded, he couldn't possibly tell the doctor that Sam had been offering himself, offering his own life in exchange for a better world. A world with closed hell gates. And that this thing inside him, whatever it was, tried to kill him.

The doctor breathed heavily as he slowly made his way towards the door.

Still standing in the door frame he turned around to look at Dean.

„Your brother is now in gods hands."

As soon as Dean was alone with his brother in the room he made three big steps towards the door and slapped it close. He turned around to check if Sam was still sleeping.

With a silent whine he let himself drop down on his knees. He ran his hands through his hair. Dean felt like he was going to be sick.

His arms were barely holding him up from the ground. The only sound he noticed was his heavy breathing and a sudden deep breath of Sam.

Dean's body was shaking. Suddenly he started laughing.

_In god's hands. That son of a bitch._

He really had to find Castiel.

Dean stood up in a hurry, went to Sam's bed and kissed him on his forehead.

„_What a chickflick moment," _he thought as he went with huge steps out of the room and into the hallway.


	3. Where is Cas?

Dean was already on the road before he could even start thinking about where to go. He didn't even noticed the speed he was at till he nearly passed a red light and drove over a little boy and his grandma.

With an excusing wave he made sure that they were alright.

The red light gave him time to think.

_Where do I find Cas? _

_I could go back to the church. _

But he saw all the other angels fall, basically out of nowhere.

_I could go back to that bar, maybe he is there? _

_But he left me at the church the last time I saw him._

Angrily he hit both hands flat on the steering wheel.

_Where should I find that good damn angel. _

_He could be fucking everywhere. I can't follow any kind of way, how do I know where in heaven Cas was. _

_Where even is heaven? _

The light turned yellowish and Dean started driving.

_I will just fucking drive back to that damn church._

* * *

Right after he drove of the highway to make his way down the muddy, unlighted way to the church and through parts of forest, he noticed someone lying on the side of the road.

As he approached the person further he slowed down, not sure how to react.

It was a woman, with long brown hair. Her legs were in a position Dean wouldn't describe as humanly possible.

It looked awful. As if she fell from at least 20 floors.

_How could she even be alive ?! _

Dean was right next to her with his car when it hit him.

_SHE FELL !_

He stopped with a jar.

With fast actions he was getting out of the car and to the woman, as he reached her he looked up and down her body, to find something he could help her with. Some injury he was familiar with, something he was able to fix. But there was nothing, her legs were flipped over on each side, and it looked like they were right next to her arms but still attached to her body.

Dean saw a lot of injuries throughout his job. But this was a whole new level of freaky. This was new to him.

The woman mumbled something Dean couldn't understand.

„H-hey, I'm Dean", _- really smart smart-ass, that's really what she needs to know right now, how about you tell her your favorite color?_

„You are one of them, aren't you? One of the angels"

The woman let her head hang back as far as it was possible in her position and tried to open her eyes, supporting her bodyweight with her arms to lift her upper body from the ground. But her eyelids were just fluttering up and down a little.

„I..I don't know how I can help you. I will call an ambulance." _-wow, fast actions winchester._

With a quick movement Dean opened the left pocket on his leather jacket he had for so many years, it was surprising that it didn't fell apart.

After he had called for help he turned back to the woman.

„I need your help. You are an angel. My friend.. he.. he fell as well and I really need to find him. Can you help me with that?"

Dean was not sure how to speak to the fallen angel in front of him. Sam was always the better one to do the talking. How do you ask someone who is close to dying to do you a favor? He looked down to his hands, lying in his lap, feeling guilty.

„I just really need to find him, his name is Cas.. I mean Castiel."

As the brown-haired woman heard the name Castiel her whole body flinched. Her eyes opened and grew wide.

Dean backed off a little, and hold his breath in shock. This was not the reaction he hoped for.

„Oh, you want to know where Castiel is?" the woman said through her teeth. „If I would now that, I wouldn't be lying here. I would be crawling towards him to rip his heart out of his cheat and tear it to pieces." She spat out blood and breathed in heavily.

Her voice raised „That betrayer. DO YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TO US?"

She looked at Dean, waiting for an answer she wouldn't get.

Dean just stood up, he was shocked.

He knew the angels feel hate towards Cas after this. But the hate this woman was expressing was so full, so huge.. so honest.

He breathed faster as got up and went back to his car. Troubled by the words he just heard, now more in fear than before.

Getting in the car without looking back he drove off.

After a few miles he had to stop the car.

Tears were streaming down his cheeks.

If he couldn't find Cas he would be dead. If he couldn't find Cas and the other angels did, they would do things to him Dean was afraid to imagine.

But as soon as that thought went through his mind he thought about hell. He thought about all the thing that were done to him, and the things he did to others. The pain.

„No, this can't happen to Cas. It can't" Dean told himself. But of course, the little voice in his head was telling him differently. Only appearing when he felt guilty for letting other people die.

_- you did this. you helped Cas get the bow of a Cupid. It is your fault. If you wouldn't have helped him, this all wouldn't be. You are the only one to be judged._

It was his fathers voice.

* * *

Everything seemed darker. The sky, the ground even the air. Dean got out of the Impala, closed the door and immediately leant against the car. He allowed himself a moment of peace, a moment to cut the world around him off.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Giving him time to think, to form a plan.

Sam was in the hospital, Crowley in the trunk and Cas... Well, where Cas was..

The green-eyed hunter looked at the ground and kicked small stones close to his feet.

He plugged his hands in his pockets and started walking.

If Cas would go back to the church, he would see the Impala and know that Dean was close by. And Dean would try to find him in the woods he was heading to.

The air was getting colder. Dean heard nothing except of his own breath and food steps.

It seemed like not one animal was living in these woods.

He walked carelessly around. Keeping an eye out for the fallen angel but he wasn't able to see much except from dark trees and the rising sun.

After a while of aimlessly walking around Dean decided to head back to his car. If he couldn't find Cas he, at least, had to be there for Sammy.

He was already able to see his car and the silhouette of the church in the distance when he heard sticks breaking, and some leaves being shuffled around.

He turned his head in a slow motion, squinting, adjusting his eyes to the darkness behind him.

A figure stepped towards him out between some bushes, Dean's heart started racing. Fear crawling up his back.

He took a step back, trying to slow his breath.

He squinted again.

_Cas._

The fallen angel stumbled towards the hunter, his arms hanging down on either side of his body. He looked helpless. His trench coat was dirty, blood was all over the left sleeve, the lower part of his coat looked like a wild dog attacked him and just couldn't let go of the coat.

Dean was stunned, he couldn't move.

He thought he would feel happy to see the angel again, but he only felt paralyzed.

„Cas, are..are you okay? I..I looked everywhere for you. Sammy is hurt." He paused.

„What happened to you?"

Cas slowly tilted his head downwards. Squinting through his eyelashes and moved towards Dean.

„Something happened. I...I'm sorry to have disappointed you."

The angel passed out.


	4. The Morning After

His hands were running over the soft, good smelling fabric. He streched his fingers just to curl them up again.

It felt so good, so soft and warm.

But the memories came back, stronger and form second to second intenser.

With panic and fear running through his veins he sat up and pitched his eyes open. The bright light was burning in his eyes and made him feel dizzy. He saw little dots of bright light dancing through the air, which made him feel uncomfortable and disorientated.

The fallen angel closed his eyes.

A light smell of some sort of alcoholic beverage was laying in the air. Cas smelled washing power and old wood.

He felt cold even thought the room had a nice temperature, not to warm and not to cold. The feeling of his tiny hairs standing up all over his arms made him twitch. Everything felt so intense, way intenser than it did before.

He dared to open his eyes again and now they quickly adjusted to the light.

He was sitting in rather small room with beige walls, with some paintings of flowers hanging on them. A dark wooden door was just a few meters away from the bed he was sitting in. He looked down at the blue bedding and ran his fingers over it.

For a few seconds he played, lost in thoughts, with the calming bedding between his fingers, before he looked up to examine the room further.

A small wardrobe stood at the opposite wall of the bed. It was rather old looking, but Cas noticed that it hadn't been used often. He raised his head to looked at the walls. After noticing that the room had no windows he felt a strange heavy weight on his chest. He felt caught.

Nervously he looked around, and noticed that he wasn't alone. A familiar looking person sat on the end of his bed. Cas squinted.

_DEAN. _

Cas was thrusting his body forward and hugged the hunter.

_Dean, Dean, Dean. _

He was happy and relieved to see him again, but he also felt guilty.

As soon as he inhaled the the familiar scent coming from the hunter Cas realized why he was there, why only Dean and not both brothers were present. Why he felt so guilty.

He let go of Dean as fast as he went in for the hug. Looking in the other man's eyes.

„Dean..I'm sorry," he whispered with guilt filling up his voice. He couldn't stand to look Dean in the eyes and bowed his head downwards, looking at his hands.

„Where..Where am I ?" he stuttered.

„Cas," Dean started in a low voice, „you have to tell me everything that happened up there. You are in the bunker Sam and I found years ago, it is the safest place for you to be at right now. And you don't leave it except I tell you to, do you understand?" he paused, not expecting an answer. He wanted to be sure, that Cas understood the seriousness of their situation.

He started again „The other angels are pretty pissed right now, and here they can't find you. I won't let them. But you have to tell me what happened. I have to find a way to safe Sammy," with the last words his voice broke.

An uncomfortable moment of silence followed.

Before Cas placed his hand on Dean's shoulder, „I will find a way to help you," he insured the hunter.

Dean was looking at Cas, intimidated the angel took his hand away, noticing that Dean didn't seem to like the added physical contact.

Cas breathed in and started to explain Dean exactly what happened, how all of it was a spell and not some sort of ritual or trial as they thought in the beginning. How Metraton somehow chained him to a chair, in the room he just knew to well, the room he would never forget because Naomie used to bring him there to insure he was on ,the right path'. And how Metraton took his grace to complete the spell and cast all angels out of heaven.

He felt uncomfortable and vulnerable to talk about his lost grace. It was all he had, it made him feel complete. And now this piece was missing.

At once he started crying.

Dean was surprised by the strong emotions the usually so cold and wearily angel showed.

„Cas, are..are you alright? I mean you act sort of strange. Don't understand me wrong man, but stranger than usual." He tried to smile at the angel but he knew it wasn't lifting Cas' mood like it usually did.

Cas wiped his tears away. „I assume my reactions are from a stronger nature now because I was not able to adjust to the influences of this world over time, like you did."

Dean nodded understandingly. Ja that made sense. Cas didn't went through heartbreaks and complicated friendships or anything that made one emotionally prepared for the even harder times which would follow in the later life.

„Kevin is here as well, just so you know," Dean tried to keep the conversation going, but he didn't quite know what he should talk about. „He was here when Sam was busy doing the trial, and I also have Crowley in the dungeon. I'm not sure what we should do with him, but I guess it brings us some advantages to have captured the king of hell." Dean's voice lifted a bit, hoping the fallen angel would get some hope out of his last sentence.

But Cas just ran his right hand through his hair. „My head hurts," the angel looked confused at Dean, not sure how to handle the situation considering he never really felt pain before without being able to heal himself within a few seconds.

„You should get some sleep, buddy. Kevin and I, we will figure something out," Dean stood up from the bed and went to the dark brown wardrobe. He took out a t-shirt to show it to Cas. „Here are some clothes. You should change into something more comfortable. Don't worry, your coat is fine, I put it to our other laundry." He folded the t-shirt and placed it back in the wardrobe.

_You already sound like a housewife, Dean._ The hunter thought as he left the wardrobe open and went towards the door.

„If you need something, just follow the hallway to the left. You'll end up in the hall where you can find us," Dean made a gesture towards the direction in which Cas would be able have to go.

„Thank you, Dean. And I am truly sorry," said the angel with honesty in his deep blue eyes.

Dean looked at the fallen angel and left the room without saying another word.

* * *

He walked towards his own bedroom.

Closed the door behind him, breathed in and went with large steps towards a dresser made of light-brown wood.

With one movement he threw everything standing on it to the ground. Books, small statues, all the little things he had gathered over the years, a small action figure of a superhero he couldn't name from Charlie, the flask from Bobby, a beer mat he found in his pocket and kept after the bar burned down, pictures.

Suddenly he noticed a picture of his mother, lying to his feet. The glass was broken. He bend down and wiped the broken glass of if. She looked so happy, with Sam in her arms and Dean standing beside him. He took it in his hands and stood up.

With the picture still in his one hand he punched the wall with the other hand, another forced movement, and pain was streaming up his arm, filling his whole body.

He had to lean against the wall for a moment before he allowed himself to fall onto his bed, getting a bottle alcohol from under it.

With the picture safely stored in his bedside locker he started drinking.

He knew he wouldn't have much time till the physical pain would wear down and give place for the mental agony which always followed.

And in this little time he had, he needed to forget. Just for a while.

He needed to be free, just for one night.

One night, to be free from himself.


End file.
